The fragile child leads the change

Change is a slippery concept in my brain.

I have always been focused and curious about human behaviour.

I really needed to know how to behave and make an impression when I was a kid.

You see, I grew up with minimal care and love from my parents.

I was in control of my life even when I was 8 years old.

The entire world around me was fast and furious.

I was only 8 years old, but I had to be a father to my sister. I had to do the shopping and cooking with scarce ingredients. I had to wake up every morning around 4pm to go to school, make breakfast and iron uniforms. I had to be a motivational figure to my sister and to those around me.

I was constantly told, ‘I have smart nephews’ or ‘you know what to do’.

My early life was a constant seeking of change.

I needed to change my behaviours. I could not be a kid; I needed to be a grown-up.

I found my ways to represent an adult figure. I called my aunties for recipe tips. I attended church to know what values I needed to follow. I joined a dancing class to bring recreation to my life. I sold music album copies. I studied until late, sleeping 3-4 hours to get high marks.

I needed to figure out how to be an adult without any instructions.

I left behind my child self, my younger self.

I did not have time to be a child.

Lockdown allowed me to slow down and reconnect with that younger self, which I forgot long ago.

It was a dramatic and painful reconnection. My younger seal was scared, hurt, violated, furious and emotional.

I needed to learn how to reconnect with my younger self, so I started therapy.

Therapy was painful and argumentative.

I did not want to listen to the therapist and their ideas, but I needed help.

My younger self or the child within needed special care and approach.

I was utterly clueless.

I must confess that I did not want to connect with my younger self because he was weak, emotional, vulnerable. I hate him. My younger self represented everything that I suppose not to be at work, university and society.

Slowly I started understanding the paradox of change.

I needed to embody weak, fragile, vulnerable and emotional.

Without embracing these human qualities, I would’ve not been able to connect with my inner child, and a most fulfilling life nowadays.

The journey is ongoing, but I am more accepting of my inner child.

The challenge is external mainly.

Members of my species can not understand why I need to be vulnerable, fragile and emotional.

Stigma is one of the most significant external challenges to change.

I need to process and experience all the pain, violation and rejection that I ignored when I was a child. This is the only way to bring real change in my life.

Change is happening

And fear is my new friend.

I constantly experience fear and embarrassment because I am experiencing things that are utterly new to my psyche. Still, I am blooming. Although it is not a process that I can condition and make suitable for work, university and society, I am changing a lot. The change started when I accepted my wounds and my pain. I have cried a lot. I have written many words of sadness. I have argued with many to defend the right of being vulnerable. I am still on this journey of embracing my younger self. It is a journey that I will never forget in my entire existence. The day that I reconnected with my fragile inner child, it was the day that change started.